Public Urination in the Bible - Pisseth Against the Wall

Much of Kings is concerned with disgruntled monarchs who fall in and out of favour with God. One of the most interesting episodes concerns Jeroboam (c.930-900 BC), a “mighty man of valour” who later had a large champagne bottle named after him. Jeroboam’s troubles begin when he worries that if the people went and worshipped in Jerusalem, they might switch their allegiance to Rehoboam (both a mightier king and a bigger champagne bottle). With little thought for what’s gone before in the Bible, Jeroboam makes two golden calves for people to worship instead, with predictable results.

 

Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel, and will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung, till it all be gone.

(1 Kings 14:10)

 

It should be noted here that dung has to be physically taken away – there is no organised sanitation system yet in place. However, God is now obsessed with the awful crime of mural micturition although, given the lack of facilities, a wall must have seemed as good a place as any. However, it has been argued that “him that pisseth against the wall” is a proverb meaning “every male person” so perhaps we shouldn’t take this line too literally - and certainly not as Pastor Steven L Anderson does.

Similar fates befall Elah and Ahab in chapter 16 and 21. Mark Twain comments on all of this theistic weirdness in his Letters from the Earth of 1909, a contentious and iconoclastic work that remained unpublished until 1962.

 

A person could piss against a tree, he could piss on his mother, he could piss on his own breeches, and get off, but he must not piss against the wall – that would be going quite too far. The origin of the divine prejudice against this humble crime is not stated; but we know that the prejudice was very strong – so strong that nothing but a wholesale massacre of the people inhabiting the region where the wall was defiled could satisfy the Deity.

Take the case of Jeroboam. “I will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall.” It was done. And not only was the man that did it cut off, but everybody else.

The same with the house of Baasha: everybody was exterminated, kinsfolks, friends, and all, leaving “not one that pisseth against a wall.”

In the case of Jeroboam you have a striking instance of the Deity’s custom of not limiting his punishments to the guilty; the innocent are included. Even the “remnant” of that unhappy house was removed, even “as a man taketh away dung, till it be all gone.” That includes the women, the young maids, and the little girls. All innocent, for they couldn’t piss against a wall. Nobody of that sex can. None but members of the other sex can achieve that feat.

(Mark Twain - Letters From The Earth 1909)

Comments

[starlite]

Of course women can piss against the wall. Have you never of the women of ancient Egypt. Do you not know about women in certain African countries, even today, who can pee standing up. Look at the website of Becky Flanders, she could pee further than any man, as can most women.

[The Lavatory Reader]

Indeed they can and often do – I merely repeat the bizarre injunction in the Bible and Mark Twain’s comments thereon. However, I take it you are referring to Herodotus and his somewhat unreliable Histories (c.440 BC) in which he asserts of the Egyptians that the “Women stand erect to make water, the men stoop.” Given that he also mentions that “The offices of nature are performed at home,” one wonders how he can be so certain…

Robert Kerr, in his 1811 Collection of Voyages and Travels repeats an account of Two Mahometans into India and China in the 9th Century who note that “It is usual for the princes, and even the people, to make water standing. Persons of dignity, as well as the vice-kings, and the principal officers, have gilded canes, a cubit long, which are bored through, and these they use as often as they make water, standing upright all the time; and by this means the tube carries the water to a good distance from them. They are of opinion that all pains in the kidneys… and even the stone, are caused by making water in a sitting posture; and that the reins cannot free themselves absolutely of these humors but by standing to evacuate; and that thus this posture contributes exceedingly to the preservation of health.”

I haven’t, as yet, found any literature worth quoting on African women peeing standing up. Do you know of any.

And Becky Flanders is a welcome revelation to me. Thank you. She deserves a post of her own but here’s her site http://beckyflanders.com/

[starlite]

The only reference for African women, in relation to urinating, I found in wikipedia urination. There are two other websites on this subject stand2pee.com and a woman's guide on how to pee standing up. There is a very detailed discussion on this subject by Orde Levinson The Female Urinal. I just got a bit annoyed when you stated that no one of that sex (meaning female could piss against a wall. I don't know why it is in the Bible, because women could also do it in Bible times and maybe some did. Another Bible verse tells us that there is nothing new under the sun.

[The Lavatory Reader]

I'll check them out... Thanks again.
But to clarify, I was simply quoting Mark Twain - who himself was commenting on the Bible. Mark Twain may have believed that women can't pee against a wall. I do not have that illusion!

[Dave]

Just checked out Becky Flanders - I'm sure her work has a lot of artistic merit, but some women can pee MUCH further than that, in fact I think most men could equal or exceed her as far as distance is concerned.

[Susan "Weak Bladder" Adams]

Hahaha! That's embarassing, women pee standing. How they do that? Can't imagine it.

[jack]

what's the distance record for women urinating? anyone know?

[Enyo Yusuf E]

Hey! Just imagine what happens to a woman's laps down her knees, calves, ankles and feet when she passes away urine standing. Can somebody tell me how dry or wet she will still be?

[Clareece Kendall]

Are some things not private and sacred anymore? This discussion is true toilet talk. I could understand talking about it in your own house because my brothers and I were laughing about how bizarre it is to find it in the bible, but to be discussing it on the Internet is bizarre to me!!